starfire-*

tired

2009-09-03T22:47:00.002+08:00

yes i know i say that a lot.

because i AM TIRED.

and you wont know, you will never know because its not the "aww poor you, thats okay take some rest" kind of tired. its the "arrrgggggghhhhhhhhhh KILL ME NOW PLEASE" kind of tired. i'm tired, frustrated, and i cant stop crying. and its not just because i have so much work to do that its weighing me down, its everything else combined.

i cant stand being ungrateful and thats all i ever feel, i would love to do nice things for the people i love and i feel guilty as hell if someone does something nice and i give the wrong reaction of behave stupidly. i'm upset not just because i cant be everything i wanna be, but because its getting to be too much and its scary to feel like this.

do you have any idea what i'm going through?
and on top of that i keep waiting for you to hurt me again. now i'm wondering how different you are from them.

oh god please kill me no matter where you send me for exchange.

worth

2009-08-27T23:12:00.002+08:00

good enough.
i'm not good enough.
not for you, you, you, you or you.

well screw you all.
if i'm not good enough then too bad for having expectations.

i hate you.
i wish we had never met.

i wish i had never been born.

i'm so tired.

please god, please let me go to canada and preferrably die there before i have to come back here to all the expectations and persuations and difficulties.
please.

seriously. screw you all.

insecurity

2009-08-09T16:46:00.003+08:00

I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure.
I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle.
But if you can’t handle me at my worst,
then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.

— Marilyn Monroe

I figure my friends are right. They envy the stability that i seem to have in life but at the end of it i'm not too sure that IS what i have.

I'm not saying i dont have it. i'm saying i'm not stable within myself to believe in it. How do i know what i have is going to last? how do i know what i believe in will stay that way? How do i know that what i have is really what i want?

Its all this thats driving me over the edge. all this and the fact that i'm officially beyond the point where i could take it all in and spit out the parts which i dont want to remember. Its like this, once you push me there, i know you can do it again. and the thing is that i blame myself. for not being adequate, for being too little, for wanting too much. but now i blame you, for doing the one thing i never thought you would. for feeding the insecurity which has hindered me all my life.

i'm appreciating this time that you're giving me, mainly because you dont have a choice, but i'm also realising that i'm okay with being alone. I dont have to face expectations, i dont have to worry everytime i do something, i dont have to think of things which will go wrong. i know i wouldnt like to be alone forever, but i do know that i'm okay with even that. i cant break the heart which i dont own, cant do something to the person i dont need to answer to.

but then again i miss you. and i think of you at each and every turn in the day.

when will i make my decision? when will i figure out what i want? is it too soon to figure out what i want in life, or should i have done that a long time ago?

These are the questions i cant seem to find the answers to.

but thank you. i want this time and i'm glad you're actually giving it to me. it means much more than you can imagine.

-xoxo.

thoughts.

2009-08-07T18:51:00.003+08:00

i got my modules!! WOOHOO!! ((:

i dont know what i want anymore. i know, i know, whats new right? but i really really dont.

i know i want to do well in life, i know i want to go on an exchange programme to a whole new country, i know i want stability and love, but the little things in life which people really do know about i dont have a clue.

i dont know what will make me happy, i dont know how i want you to act, i dont know if i even want this in life. at all. i need guidance, i need freedom, i need help.

problem is, i dont know where to get it. ):

cheers_

Simba

2009-08-04T11:50:00.004+08:00

Meet simba, who likes to think my stuffed toy is his mother.

OH digression, but i broke my toenail. Not in the bimbotic, OMG I BROKE A NAIL way, but more like, ARGH MY NAIL CAME OFF way. frigging painful man, even if i wash my feet. dunno how to take a shower and come out with dirty feet so it hurts all the time. look, gross photo:

Okay heres my face to make you all puke more. hahahaha..

Simba is my 5 month old puppy who i love v v v much, and he likes to climb on my head and eat ice cream like this:

We usually carry him like a baby, coz thats the way he likes it best.

Simba also thinks he is a lot bigger than he actually is, and makes it a point to attack my huge polar bear just because the polar bear isnt alive and simba is.

He also enjoys sleeping at my feet under my study table looking highly adorable and squishy. i have to be very careful because i usually have this HUgE urge to kick him when he sleeps like this -grins evilly-

I LoVE SIMBA he's so cute.

See?

frigging cute, all wrapped up in my blanket (:

He barks so much at 5 in the morning to wake us up its annoying. i woke up today, with the full intention of smacking his butt for being so noisy, but he wagged his tail so hard and nearly gave me a bath with his tongue so i gave a futile sigh and went back to sleep.
no use la, this kind of thing is too cute so you cant quite summon up enough to hit him. -shakes head-

I MISS YOU LONDONBOY ):

cheers~

ARGH

2009-07-31T20:12:00.001+08:00

WHY WHY WHY WONT BLOGGER LET ME PUT PICTURES!

junoon

2009-07-26T12:01:00.000+08:00

tags: shilin, i might see you on wed or thurs depending on when your dance is, mdm khamiliah might ask me to come back and help out since i'm professionally a dancer (:
wei jeng: yup! i'm moving to palm gardens (:
eugene: OMG ur damn bhb right :P no lor i so dont want to see you so annoying hahahaha :P

I slept at 330 last night, and woke up at 830 today! -pats self on back-
Okay i didnt intend to wake up, i was just reaching out for my phone, but when my mom opened the door she was so happy i was up before 12 i decided to stay up sighhhs.

i bet i'm gonna fall over asleep very soon since its 12 already.

plus the house is in such a mess, bags and boxes everywhere. I guess i have to get used to the fact that i'm REALLLYYY MOVING ARGGGG!

I WANT BODY SHOP MOISTURIZER AND TONER. but must wait till next pay siiighhhss. or, I could ask/bug/threaten someone to buy it for me -evil smile-

I was just thinking the other day, whats the point of life if i'm just going to hate and hold grudges and feel annoyed at every little thing that happens? my blog says let go and let live. But i'm not doing that. i'm not doing what I believe in, i'm indulging in the very things i hate. and its driving me up a wall. i'm driving everyone away from me, and procastinating on change. I keep getting pissed off with someone and later i'm thinking, WTH what is the point of this! ): (and then i get all sad) but why? i mean why am i wasting my time getting that pissed off when i can just... not be pissed off? I can laugh it off, not think of it and go on to things that matter more like being more committed in my family. but i do no such thing. maybe i should, starting from august. (YES i know i said i wont procastinate) but i want a new beginning. and whats better than a new month right? okay for this week i'll start with: no more cabs. =D i will be a bus and train person all the way WOOHOO!
no more wasting MONEYS!

or so i hope GAHS. still havent paid my bill. grr.

okay i was gna put a pic but blogger wont let me and i'm a bit bored so i'm gonna go and pack more stuff.

cheers~!

damage control

2009-07-25T15:52:00.001+08:00

awesome!
Blogger has tried to fix the problem.
but its still slightly screwy so i wont really rejoice as of yet.

THANKS AH PEOPLE for spamming me so much (: and i read some of your blogs, it feels nice to be appreciated. and yes jx, you totally have to smell my shampoo its awesome. i got the whole set but its three different things and an australian salon brand so i feel damn expensive whenever i use it WOOHOO! the shampoo has champagne, the conditioner has berries and the leave on solution is like aloe vera, green tea and lime. quite cool. plus my hair feels a lot softer (SHIOK CAN!!) so no complaints!! :D but its like 20 bucks la so i dont think i can use it forever unless i get tuitions :S

which i am searching for like, REALLY hard. haha..

I'm busy packing today, its like packing 10 years of life in this house just to move to another, MUCH smaller one in palm gardens, sigh. but i guess its good, i mean swimming pool, air con, and a place for my doggy (: We just had people come and view the place. i'm feeling territorial now, I hate the fact that we have to give them stuff that belongs to us. but oh well if we're getting new ones then i suppose its alright. :S
but i cant decide.

I agreed to move for now, since technically the house is still ours, but i cant decide if I'm happy with having people living here and using OUR stuff. omg i'm so selfish.
but its understandable right, i mean it is our house and it has been for the past decade. and since i'm just 21, its like half my life has been spent here. haaaiiizzz.. -shakes head forlornly-

-cheers!~

2009-07-24T14:29:00.002+08:00

Okay so my blogger is still screwed. Stupid box thingy, i'm starting to wonder if maybe, just MAYBE its my laptop's functionality which needs to be adjusted. NAhh but the kids at school said they were experiencing the same kind of problems so it cant be just me. :D

Speaking of school, I suppose i am being spied on by a couple of you right now :S so stop it and go away! haha..
But seriously, this school experience has been so fun. It was the only job that I have done in the past four years which I actually looked forward to in the mornings.
I guess I owe a lot of that too the supervisors and my class of 1/8 :D- YES you guys, dont be so bhb about it okay. You seriously made my day by listening to all my stupid stories and co-operating, (to an extent la obviously you guys arent total angels :P) and you seriously have made me consider teaching as a proper profession. It was lovely stepping into class everyday, you're an awesome bunch of kids.
I just want to tell you all that not only are you all awesome, but you're super lucky to have a teacher like mrs chee. (and no, mrs chee, i'm not saying this just to do well in your confidential form :P:P )
She has done a lot for you guys over the past year, and i know you might not believe it right now, but she really really does care about you (: A LOT. its amazing how much she cares, i didnt even know it was possible to care like that for a bunch of kids in school (:
And just remember, if you EVER need anything, feel free to tag me here or on facebook. if you need extra help with english, i take tuitions, and if your parents would like the extra help i'll be willing to give a unity discount ;)

okay here ends my post to you guys, as much as i wanted to really get to know you all better, it really cant happen anymore unless you all ask me out or something but nevermind, we had our time and if any of you dont like me as a teacher, DONT TELL ME :D

i shall be happy thinking i was liked anyway :P

- okay normal post.
It was heartening to see all the goodbyes in school. Most of the teachers gave each other something and i got a whole bunch of chocolates WOOHOO- pimples, here i come. :D
Very surprising. i must say out of everyone there, i'm obv gna miss carol, mrs chee and mrs chan the most.
and the kids, duh.

But on to newer and much more awesome stuff with my beloved NTU starting again soon. I miss the corridors, the rooms, the spine, the lectures, the EVERYTHING! (omg i'm such a nerd)
but i do, and i'm so happy its gonna be restarting soon.

and i changed my shampoo. my hair is now washed with a super awesome expensive shampoo that has frigging champagne extracts :S i just hope i dont see alcoholics nearby, having people sucking on your hair would really dampen the mood, no? hahaha
YUCK i just imagined that.

okay gtg out later must decide awesome clothes instead of my aunty-wear to school

cheers!~

AND HELLO STOP SPamMING me can. hahaha i just saw!

reflection

2009-07-21T22:25:00.002+08:00

Okay so my blogger is totally screwed. Either that or its my laptop. I'm going to hope its the blogger. haha..

I was just thinking the other day, its so SO unfair that somebody else gets something you THINK you want when he or she totally doesnt deserve it. I mean be it through an influence of someone related to her, or maybe through sheer luck.

I have to admit, i'm jealous. VERY jealous. its not just because she's less talented. AND SHE IS. because it has been proven. and its not because she's prettier. anybody is with the right makeup, havent you SEEN the emails?

its because i know i'm better. and secretly because i know i'm not doing enough to prove it myself. CRAP.

If i think about it hard enough i know that probably might not be what i want. That she might have everything but i might have much more. That she might have all the things i'm probably thankful for not having.

BUT who thinks that hard these days anyway?? haha i shall be content with being vengeful and deceitful and say i'm jealous of her and that she is horrible for having everything.

secretly though i doubt what she has means anything. i sure would like to try having it anyway :P

cheers!

back to school

2009-07-20T22:55:00.003+08:00

I just realised how depressing my previous posts are.
and i dont even know if i wanna be a teacher anymore. though it might be fun. BUT i'm so frigging scared i'll be boring i dunno if i can risk it. I mean all i wanna do is be like those teachers I had who were so damn awesome..

waitttt a sec. i didnt have such teachers.

oh wait there was ms zhu, mr guru and ms williams.. anddddd ms lim i suppose?

okay so i want to be like those sitcom teachers you love. but seriously, how interesting can you make verbs and adjectives? i mean hello, i was dying while preparing for lesson no idea how mrs chee does it.

shes awesome as far as sups go (: i really like the fact that she cares for the kids a lot. I mean when i asked her the first time, her immediate reaction was, "i love them". DESPITE the problems she's having she just wants them to be good kids. which they are, even the suckiest ones. Even when she wants them to behave, its because they're going against the rules. omg i totally rmb tanker and wilbur in secondary school they were SO BAD we hated them. but now if i look back they were reaaaalllyy okay. I look back fondly and i HATED secondary school. OMG i'm old. arghhh.. i really like the class i'm teaching.

though seriously, i think they might think i'm boring -gasps- I KNOW, right? namz and boringgg?? haha but yes i think i am. i dont wanna keep order, i want them to let their hair down and have fun as long as they listen to meeeee. grr.
but i guess as long as the supervisors stay in the class i shouldnt risk too much.
and i'd much rather want them to learn the subject rather than like me anyway.

BUT I REFUSE TO BE BORING.

hello, since when am i boring. -denial-

i'm obsessing with being boring.

I AM NOT.

okay maybe a little. but thats coz grammar sucks. big time. even i didnt know all the crap theyre learning.

ah whatever. last class tmr i thinkk.. :S

cheers.

eeeeesh

2009-07-15T22:33:00.003+08:00

incomplete.
dissatisfied.
distracted.
restless.

You know how it is when everyone around you seems to be moving at a pace you cant seem to match? when suddenly all the decisions you make seem like life or death situations? when everything suddenly feels so crappy even though you're trying your hardest to make sure everything goes as normally and smoothly as possible? when suddenly you lose interest in everything around you and just feel like lying in your bed all day?

Well I do.

and it sucks.

on a happier note, school is cool. haha..
cheers.

death

2009-07-07T19:51:00.001+08:00

i give up.

but if i snap its your fault and at that point i will NOT think of you.

happy birthday to me in a day. i've never been so anti-birthday, EVER.

lost.clueless.desperate

2009-07-06T14:13:00.001+08:00

maybe, i can carve out your name on my heart and everything will be okay.

or maybe i could jump off the cliff and pretend i can fly like i do in my dreams.

all i know is, i no longer feel the same.
not anymore.
and you're not helping.
you never have.

LOVE

2009-06-28T01:04:00.001+08:00

hate that i love you.

i've been told to listen with my heart.
but i dont know what i want, i dont know how i want it.. all i know is.. NOT NOW.

not now.

it hurts knowing how you feel, it hurts knowing you dont think i do.

i dont know why i even said yes, now all i do is hurt you more.
and now i'm hurting too but i wont tell you. i wont i wont. i'll listen to you and give you my support but i wont tell you how much i'm hurting because i dont deserve your concern.

shame

2009-06-28T01:04:00.000+08:00

and i dont know how long this can go on..
i'm at my wits end, i want nothing more but peace. i want the pain to go away.

i dont want anything for my birthday. i really really dont. i just want to sleep the day away and wake up to know that i'm a year older, a day older, anything. i want to bury my toes in the sand and allow the sea breeze to suck me into the depths of mercy where everything else stops from mattering, where all i need to worry about is when i hand in my next assignment. i really really am tired of this, tired of it all. i dont want to be responsible, i refuse to think i am, but then again if you think really hard i know i must be.

i miss having self esteem. there was a time when being insulted by anybody would have caused me to slap them so hard they forget why they were there in the first place. now its like all i can do is seethe from the inside and yet believe that maybe somehow i deserve this. then i begin to ask myself no matter how much i deserve this, would i be able to ever face myself and forget it? would i ever be able to face you and forget this? maybe.. but maybe not.

I dont know what to do anymore, i dont know how long i'll be able to do this anymore. Right now, my family life is more important than anything in the world to me, and i'm scared i might be ruining that for good. nothing, NOTHING is more important than that. Not even you.
but then again i dont know. i'm losing my mind and i just.. dont know.

thoughts

2009-06-24T01:04:00.002+08:00

i want to die.
preferably now.

i dont let my emotions cloud my responsibilities no matter who they come from.

if i get upset and cant finish my work ITS MY FAULT. not anybody elses for not doing it.

hate

2009-06-24T01:00:00.000+08:00

save me.
please.

loving someone isnt supposed to be this hard.

blame

2009-06-23T22:41:00.002+08:00

i blame me.
i do.

guiltguiltguiltguiltguilt.

i want to slit my throat and pour the guilt into a drain and watch it swirl in the gutter where it belongs. drain each bit and squeeze it out so that it doesnt return and fester and fester and fester.

but it wont go.
it stays inside.

and i love you
so much.
it hurts hurts hurts.

cheers.

fault

2009-06-21T15:38:00.002+08:00

BIG WHITE SPACE

ITS NOT MY FAULT.
notnotnotnotnotnotnotnotnotnotnotnot
ihate you.
notnotnotnotnotnotnotnotnotnot

YOU wanted me in your life
YOU wanted to let me in
YOU were not satisfied with what i did
YOU wanted more than i wanted to give
YOU decided to ask for more
YOU love me and that means not making the person feel bad
YOU wanted me there
YOU let me hurt you when i never meant to
YOU ruined your life by not being responsible or practical.
YOUYOUYOU.
not me.
I hate myself.
I hate myself.
I have no confidence left in dealing with you
I have no idea what more i can do
I dont even know if i want to do anything anymore.
I love you. but that doesnt mean i'm going to bend over backwards for you

its not my fault.
i refuse to take responsibility for something i NEVER meant to do.
but you want me to
so i will

but ur pushing me away.

but i'll do it.
because YOU still want me to.

cheers.

response-ability?

2009-06-09T23:02:00.000+08:00

nonononononotanymorecantcantcantitsbreakingmeapartlikei'vebrokenyouapart

itsnotfunnyneverisfunnyitrytosmilestilltrytrytrybut thewordsdontcomeoutrighttheystoppedcomingoutrightimadeittothispoint

savemesavemenotgoingtosurvivethisneverneverneverwillnomorenomore
itstearingupmyheart
nomatterwhatidoitdoesntstopitnotanymorenotanymore
i'llstopyoui'llhelpyouyou'llbefineyou'llbeokay
but what about me?
nothinkingaboutmenononomorei'llstopnownomorethinking

aboutmeiwon'tnotanymorei'llkeepquiet..
memememegotmeintotroublewillgetyououtofitmyfaultmyfaultmyfaultmyfault
deathbecaomesmedeathhatesyounotyourtimeitsmineminemine
you'remine
mine.

strain

2009-06-08T12:26:00.002+08:00

everything, everything, everything.
ruined.
in every possible way.
ruined.
ruinedruinedruined.
kill me now, please.

...and so the razor blade doll asked for forgiveness from the sugar candy boy but he was enraged beyond belief and he broke her razor blades one by one. she was wrong in every way and knew she was so she endured it, endured it all but sugar candy boy was so hurt by her razor blades and his gashes were so deep he didnt stop breaking them, not at all. but she still endured it because she had been evil but her heart was breaking too. and sugar candy boy was sweet and kind and she hated herself but she was trying to make him whole again, trying trying trying so very hard but sugar candy boy didnt want the glue, didnt want the sweets he just kept on breaking it, breaking it all and she was trying so very hard not to break herself so she could help him trying trying trying. so very hard.

- exerpt from :the razor blade girl and the sugar candy boy, by: norticia klover

jokes aside

2009-06-07T23:20:00.003+08:00

i've never been this serious in my life. no jokes. not any more. i'm sorry.

gouge it out

2009-06-05T08:52:00.003+08:00

hold on if you feel like letting go

schoolwork..

never thought i'd have to go back to secondary school work again.

i've never had a bigger conflicting urges. i want to run. but i want to hold on even more, now more than ever.
its quite fun here. but so very tiring.
run because i'm so very guilty and a coward who doesnt want to face anything.
i feel like sleeping all the frigging time.
\hold on because i'm not worth it. and because i do care. and because i love you.
and now i should go back to "working"
but the guilt just keeps getting harder and harder to bear.
sigh.
but then again so does my grip.
cheers. =/

dear god, please kill me now.

kissmissbliss

2009-05-31T20:59:00.002+08:00

double "s"es for it all.
and i have realised how incomplete it feels to be sitting here without you.
this blog is officially dead to you but muahaha i'm still updating now :D
- the heaviness of guilt far outweighs anything. these days i'm not sure how i still even get my ass around to school. the only time i'm conscious of anything at all is when i'm safe and secure in your arms.. warm, comforting.. complete.

i dont even know whether i sleep. i think i do. but i cant be sure. -sigh-

cheers. =/

heartless-

2009-05-30T23:07:00.002+08:00

okay 4 months of zero updates.

that kinda makes it seem like this blog is dead dont it. haha.. okay so maybe it is, kinda. but its an extension of my personality put up for display so i guess if its bland and unchanging that would mean I am bland and unchanging too. frightening thought. :(

and its too late to apologise..

So i sat there and stoked the flames,
frenzied and uncaring.
Each time my phoenix rose, stronger and more beautiful,
each time i burnt my hands igniting the flames..
Taking for granted he would rise again and again
I flung my phoenix into the fires i stoked just because
"i didnt know" "did it matter that much?" "you know what.."
And now i've thrown my phoenix into the flames one time too many
and now i'm sitting by the ashes and staring
for once i'm still caring
my hands wont heal from the burning flames
i need my phoenix to rise again,
with the promise of not igniting anymore flames
rise, my phoenix,
i'll rifle through the white hot ashes till i find you,
beautiful, unblemished and whole
a little worse for the wear but stronger to bear
the weight i long for you to hold
my heart i give you, in pieces to mould
its yours in every way, and thats the way its going to stay
rise, my phoenix,
quel my fears
my inflamed hands will only heal by your tears
and the scars will remain both yours and mine
but stronger through the test of time
i am hurting, you more so,
we both need this pain to go..
so rise, my phoenix,
here i will wait,
for a glimpse of you through the ashes
i will not care how long it takes,
here i will wait.
rise, my phoenix, rise.

In the night I hear 'em talk, the coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road he lost his soul
To a woman so heartless
How could you be so heartless?
How could you be so heartless?

its almost ironic to end this way, but nonetheless,
cheers!

strength

2009-01-12T21:53:00.002+08:00

There's one sad truth in life I've found
While journeying east and west -
The only folks we really wound
Are those we love the best.
We flatter those we scarcely know,
We please the fleeting guest,
And deal full many a thoughtless blow
To those who love us best.
~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

i used to think its a very beautiful thing to be able to just spend time with someone, in any way possible. whether it be watching the person draw, listening to music, or just holding hands and watching the world go by. time wouldnt be of consequence, just as long as the other person was with you.
i had no idea that this notion was considered rude and unthinking.

i dont apologise for my actions, just for what i didnt consider. preconceived notions were clouding my mind too much to be able to understand what you might have thought of what i was doing.
so what if i can go for hours just being near a person.. i dont have a right to expect the same from someone else.

i dont know what else to do.
When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. ~Franklin D. Roosevelt
how?

you dont need this, and neither do i. we have a lot of things a lot more important than this right now.

unnecessary.

2009-01-12T19:56:00.001+08:00

i dont know what to say.
i dont know what to do.
and right now i cant focus on anything.
i just deleted an entire post i wrote.
i think now even this blog is pointless.
very pointless.
cheers.

anger

2009-01-08T23:07:00.002+08:00

its a dam in your head which will burst when you run out of fingers to stick into the holes formed by the force of the rushing water against it.

but then again i guess the best way to avoid dong that is to build it so well that even over time you wont have to use more than ten fingers to fix the holes with..
worst case? you always have your toes.

cheers.
प्यार बिन जीने में रखा क्या हैं॥
पयार जिसको नही वोह॥ तहां हैं।
जाने क्यूँ लोग प्यार करते हैं...

दिल न रहा काबू में॥ कर दिया जबसे आपने हमको अपना।

2009-01-04T19:20:00.002+08:00

i was surfing around when i saw this entire site of beautiful quotes. i pasted some but now i dont want them there. :S

i feel listless. like, dont feel like doing anything at all. lying in bed sounds like a really good option right now.

ok thats what i'm gna do.

cheers.

time goes by.. so slowly.

2009-01-02T23:52:00.002+08:00

you're on my heart just like a tattoo..

i just realised how illegible the previous entry is..

even i find it painful to read :S
its NEW YEAR YO!
haha.. and its been an awesome one so far. (besides one factor missing, but that'll happen soon anyway. 2 days to be exact)

i met isha.. and it was awesome being able to meet her and talk about everything that we went through without each other.. (:

i decided that this year will be different from all the rest. no more phattu-giri. (as in, no more cowardly-custardness), i want to spend it better, do everything i feel like doing, say everything i feel like saying (to a reasonable degree of course) and make this a year to remember, the first amongst many (:

i know i said i wouldnt speak about my resolutions, but i figured they're nothing to hide, so why not (: and its quite a pompous resolution, a huge mouthful to handle. but i guess one step at a time wont hurt, i guess its time to start with reducing this huge ego i have.. bit by bit. its nothing to be proud of, and i've always felt that it inhibits me in some way.. just took me a while, and a whole lot of unpleasantness to realise just how much. but then again its part of who i am, and i refuse to get rid of it totally. (:
liek i said.. its confusing and its gonna take time. (: but it will happen, and i hope in a year i'll be right here typing how much more awesome 2009 has been, in more ways than one.. (:

i miss you.. please come back soon jaan, its killing me to be here without you ):
cheers (:

end of a year... almost.

2008-12-23T15:57:00.002+08:00

i know its not new year yet, but heck, i probably wont be online on that day so i figured might as well blog now..

its been tumultuous, fairly stagnant, eventful and yet not.

so many things happened, and then again many of the things were so similar that they might not have happened at all.

i pierced my nose, i made new friends, became closer to old ones (:P), got a job at sentosa, went ice skating at the new rink, danced with shah rukh khan, saw myself on tv like, 3 times, acquired new perspectives on old issues, performed on stage twice and even earned money for it, tried learning bengali, got a job at sentosa, learned that maybe such a full time job is not a good idea, amongst other things.

all in all, i'd say a year well spent, though the next one just looks like one that can be spent even better. i mean, doing all those things in a year isnt quite a feat to boast about just yet. i wanna spend the upcoming year accomplishing a lot more.. (:

so yeah.. i have my resolutions, but i guess they're better left unsaid (:

happy new year folks, here's wishing its even better than before!

cheers!

conflict

2008-12-17T13:05:00.002+08:00

ab jaane hum..

yeh pyaar kya hain,

darde jigar.. mushkil bada hain..

sunta nahi.. kehna koi bhi

dil bekhabar.. zid pe ada hain..

samjhaye kaise ise.. jaane jaana..

i'm gna go pierce my nose now.. (: and then shop

and watch a movie.. maybe draw henna for ppl.. (:

just keep myself occupied. keep my head empty. (HAHA!)

i dont wanna be ripped from my version of reality. i like it just the way it is.

cheers.

too much of a good thing/

2008-12-01T22:15:00.001+08:00

you know how people get paranoid when they have something thats really nice?

like, you get this new.. say.. necklace. and then you keep wearing it everyday and it makes you feel pretty, and you feel all special when you're wearing it and all you want to do is to wear it everyday? but then how would you feel if that fantastic, one of a kind necklace wouldnt last?

its like, you keep thinking that one fine day you'll touch your neck and then its gone? you touch your neck, and instead of that familiar feel of cool metal that grazes your neck and makes you feel pretty you find nothing there? all you feel is the wide expanse of your own bare neck.

then you beat yourself up over getting so attached to the necklace in the first place and when you look into the mirror you'll be upset because now you feel that no other necklace can possibly take its place anymore.

but right now, when you actually have the necklace you feel stupid for thinking such thoughts because right now, you have that necklace with you. its on your neck, its beautiful and its yours.

but what if..?

thats why i didnt want to get so attached to my necklace before. because i was afraid of losing it. but now that i am, its hard to think about not having it anymore. especially now because its so far away. then again, its stupid to think that way because who's to say what will happen and we should just focus on enjoying what we have now.

india is fun. terrorists should die, etc.

cheers! (:

leaving for india.

2008-11-23T15:47:00.000+08:00

countdown: 5 days.

and now i'm glad i'm going.

cheers.

frustration.

2008-11-19T22:59:00.003+08:00

i really shouldnt be blogging right now.

so i'll stop.

but i'm so so annoyed with myself. instead of studying, i sketched. what possess me to do such things. wth.

namita, you are officially screwed for the exams.

you moron.

cheers.

happy-ness

2008-11-19T01:29:00.005+08:00

its 1.29am and suddenly I am really happy.

like, really, really happy.

WARNING: HEROES S3E9 SPOILER BELOW.

DONT READ IF YOU HAVENT WATCHED. THIS MEANS YOU. :P

and i feel suddenly very affectionately towards everyone.

and for absolutely no reason.

i just finished watching heroes, which, MD you have to watch. ok its not really that awesome but i'm officially in love with sylar/gabriel, and i dont know why these days i keep feeling this deep sense of sympathy for the bad guys. kinship maybe? :P

hahaha.. but seriously. so freaky.

i watched spiderman, and suddenly what i felt for the villian was, instead of being "OMG KILL HIM SPIDEY! KILL HIM!!" i was, "awwww poor babu." :S like he was in the situation because of the choices he made and he got led astray. ): just like sylar. and i love him. did i mention that before? i could just hug him and never never never let go.

i could do that too another person too, but thats besides the point. :P

i mean. HE CRIED with happiness realising he could gain other people's powers without killing. and that, is surefire repentance. and who doesnt find that yummy, please tell me. hahaha.. omg. and peter parker is a right winged asshole. whatever that means. i HATE him. a lotttttt. gah. idiot. :D

I think thats one of the main reasons i'm happy.

plus ur exams will end tmr and you'll be all mine ;)

plus i just drew a purty picture. me likey.

plus i facebooked a while and its all cool.

plus i spoke on the phone with isha and i feel all excited about next sem coz of YOU mad woman.

plus i really have nothing much to do right now so i'm slacking online.

AND i am determined that i will DEF. study for the next 3 days or i'll be so screwed its not even funny. (yeah right we all know how much thats gonna happen) - but i'm gripped with sudden determination so who knows?! maybe it will. i hope it does. i've slacked off enough.

love you alll =D (that would be like a total of 3 ppl. at the most. and since you ppl dont tag, i feel very unloved. ):) hahahah.. -hugs-

"we ALWAYS have a choice"- peter parker the pansy.

cheers!~

un(?)wanted stress..

2008-11-16T17:47:00.004+08:00

i dont know what to do anymore.

what would you do? i mean, how is it possible, that

everything you do gets interpreted wrongly

everything you say gets taken in the wrong way

nothing you mean is ever heard because you dont know which way to put it.

and every single assumption goes uncorrected, mainly because you dont trust yourself to say anything right.

every accusation hurled makes you madder than before and its unjustified because you deserve it.

i'm sorry i dont do more, i know I should. because you dont deserve what i put you through.

and i dont know the solution to all this. i thought its not a problem but it turns out it is. and i dont even know how to solve it all.

and i dont know how to tell you i care.

and that i hate myself a little more each time you say everything and i nevernevernever blame you when you make me cry, because there's no reason to. and the only reason tht happens is because i dont think i know what i'm doing and when i hear it from you it just makes it so much more worse because then i actually realise how that makes you feel.

and i'm sorry.

i really really am. and i'm saying it here coz this is the best place to express myself. i'm not aware of any other way of doing it. and if you dont like this as well.. gah.

i'm not doing you a favour.

i'm doing it because i hate to see you get hurt

knowing its coz of me makes me wanna drown myself in a vat of boling oil

with a pitchfork to stir.

and i dont know how to say this in a way that you'd get it and not take it in the wrong way.

how do i make you understand its all okay?

that its alright if you yell

but it still hurts

i dont know why i like

its alright if you see something that is wrong with me

but i cant seem to change it, because i dont know how. that i need your help in doing that, that i DONT see you as parenting me and i said that just because i got irked and i dont take criticism well so i blurted it out. I DIDNT mean it. honestly. ): i like the fact that you care enough to explain things to me. ):

i love you, and i hate being the cause of your miserable moods. thats why it makes me think you'd be so much better off if you didnt talk to me at all.

i dunno why i'm typing all this out but its a good outlet.

plus i know the message gets across. you know what i need? a good psychiatrist. plus someone who will assist me in running across the terrace of a 25 floor tall building and giving me the heave-ho if I lose my nerve jumping off the edge. any takers? i'll pay you... 125.30 dollars. thats what i have in my piggy bank. (and you can have that too. its new, and has purty hearts on it)

i'm beginning to think going to india isnt such a bad thing after all.

cheers.

one down, 4 to go..

2008-11-13T23:19:00.004+08:00

okay

so i just finished the paper that was torturing me the most, today..

and it just kinda made me feel should have studied more.. big surprise considering the fact that i tried finishing an entire semester in a day. there was a reason why other people took 3 months.

coz they're sane. gah.

now i have four more papers to go. four papers that i dont loathe so much. come to think of it, i didnt quite hate doing marketing..

it was kinda fun sitting there referring to the book and crapping my way thru.. mentally making fun of the nerds who were just scribbling without even opening the book..

okay who'm i kidding, those guys freaked me out so i just looked at this girl who stared at her paper and frowned most of the time. but i still think she must have done better than me.

I kept hoping that i'd have Matt Parkman's powers (ref: HEROES- guy who reads minds) and be able to see into the prof's head, but he kept walking around too much and if I followed i'd probably break my next twisting and turning or be expelled coz they would think i'm cheating. which is not wrong, technically speaking.

ogayyy time to go watch videos and bug MD. (:

"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning."

meri dhadkane bhi.. hain deewani.. tere peeche ;)

cheers!

caution, mad woman alert.

2008-11-12T22:23:00.002+08:00

kill me now kill me now KILL ME NOW.

oh god. i hate exams. doesnt help when you have to fit a whole semester's work into a day.

which is obviously impossible, and hence the deathwish.

oh and for those who dont wanna give the exam either, you can drive the car i intend to jump infront of so that you go to jail and dont have to give the exam either.

cheers.

i miss your hug!!

examania

2008-11-09T12:33:00.002+08:00

need to study

cant study

need to study

cant study

need to study

cant study

need to study

cant study

need to study

cant study

need to study

cant study

need to study

cant study

need to study

cant study

need to study

cant study

need to study

cant study

need to study

cant study

need to study

cant study

need to study

cant study

need to study

cant study..

coz i miss you. gah.

cheers.

fantasies

2008-11-07T01:23:00.003+08:00

you know what i feel like doing right now?

dancing..

on a romantic, slow song, played on the beach at night under the moonlight.. surrounded by nothing but the vast open sea, the stars and the cool sea breeze..

held in your arms looking into your eyes, without a care in the world and not another person in sight, barefoot in the soft sand, swaying to the tune we hear, engrossed in our own world..

... sigh.

i hate that couple in the picture. even though they're posing, at least they got to be in that situation even for a little while. gah. stupid people.

you know what i have to do right now?

read.

crap.

and its about letters written by a chauvanist china man to his own mother.

cheers :S

exams!

2008-11-05T00:27:00.002+08:00

WHYWHYWHYWHYWHY cant i study properly.

i ought to be shot. haha..

and i dont wanna go to india.

i'll miss you. ):

a lot.

ok i do as well, coz i get to meet everyone, but still. its gonna be one looooooong month and week. ):

GAH must go study.

cheers.

a very tragic story.

2008-11-02T16:25:00.005+08:00

BIMBO POST ALERT!

once upon a time, there lived five lil girls.

inky, pinky, ponky, tonky and annabel francis. (very happy girls they were too)

they were very pretty girls who enjoyed dressing up.

this one, they called midnight starshine:

and this one, was pinky's favourite. no prizes for guessing why! (:

they also tried out this one, which they decided to call rednblue.. since well, its red and blue, and they're not very creative girls.

one fine day, their mom, (momma) calls them over and says, "inkypinkyponkytonky and annabel francis, you have to get rid of all this finery and live as nuns"

so they all shod off their spectacular clothes..

and shaved their heads bald..

and ended up like this:

the end.

okay sorry, but i was really sad to cut off my purty nails. ): just because they kept getting stuck in the keyboard and made it tough to hold a pen right. gah.

(:

okay back to mugging. i'm happy coz i've finished one module.. (almost.. i'm just left with half of one of the books) and i'm gna be supergirl and finish tons more :D

Cheers!!
-when the old woman with tons of kids who lives in a shoe wins the lottery, i bet each kid will get a stiletto all to himself.

flight of fancy

2008-10-31T12:27:00.003+08:00

i have gotten to know that somebody has a blog of which i dont know the address and i'm getting impatient. like, HELLO, write quickly and tell me already!

i dont quite know why i'm even blogging right now, when i have to finish studying for marketing and i havent even started. :S but somehow my mind keeps wandering to other things, and its making it a lot more difficult to focus on the issue at hand.

like the waves. ;)

i miss the beach now. its been so long.. and all i like doing is lying on the shore, just where the waves reach the beach and feel them wash over me.

the changes in the tides, a gentle caress and the sudden rough wave.. the way you can lie there for hours without a care in the world submerged beneath the water and sometimes above it all. the pull of the tide which you cannot resist, the way the sand under your feet can be whisked away in one swift movement and you lose your balance.. and you'd like nothing more than to fall into the waiting arms of the sea.

hmm. now i'm really distracted.

I CANT DO MARKETING. and i totally forgot to SU it so now i'm stuck mugging my ass off for it since there's no other way around it. i just hope my gpa stays where it is and doesnt go waaaayyy below. -shudders- ok i should really go back to studying.

oh wait maybe i'll reorganize my destop. yay!

i will be right here waiting for you (:

cheers~

once in a lifetime.. means there's no second chance..

2008-10-30T21:48:00.004+08:00

no matter where we're going..

it starts from where we are..

happy happy birthday you (:

no deserves one thats better.. sorry we couldnt do more, but there's always the weekend to look forward to! (: you're finally legal, make the most of it!

i love you

halloween is here again! and i didnt get to go ): we even had our gypsy costumes ready! with the hair and the makeup and the clothes and the beads.. sigh but oh well, there's always next year. and i'll wear the skirt as a dress to school. haha..

i love halloween.. i think its by far the best celebratory festival thingy ever. seriously. What better way to be somebody else, than on halloween! sure, acting on stage is being a different character and being somebody else n all, but there you have a script to stick to, blockings to follow, a director to guide your character and a costume artist to design your costume for you.

where's the fun in that?! halloween allows you to immerse yourself in the character of your choice, with the movements, dressing, speech all left up to you.. so its like everyone knows you're being someone else, and doesnt even mind!

which is not always the case in reality. and would make life so much simpler if it was. because you really cant be one person when you're so many people at the same time.. they're all you, at different times, different places, different situations. just that during halloween, you can be any one of them with no regard towards how anyone else would perceive anything.

its the perfect escapist celebration (:

happy halloween!

-"latte" is french for "you paid too much for this cup of coffee"

cheers!

ought to be shot.

2008-10-26T00:13:00.002+08:00

i am a horrible, horrible, horrible person and i ought to be shot.

i inflict pain on people who care the most.

and dont deserve any of it. :(

-resumes banging head on wall-

cheers.

r.i.p chip :(

2008-10-24T15:03:00.003+08:00

so, my hamster died today.

hopefully at night, peacefully drifting into a starry dreamland where he was reaching out for the biggest sunflower seed he has ever seen. (:

his name was chip/chotu/cheenu/rat

and he was stick thin as compared to his brother,

dale/motu/meenu/fat who was, as one of his names suggests, fat.

chip (as i prefer to call him) was the more active one of the two, keeping us awake for the first few days because of the consistent running on the squeaky wheel.

he was also the one who liked pouncing on his brother to make him yell, chewing at the doors of the cage, and eventually the only one of the two who liked to constantly source for an esacpe route.

dale is just happy sitting in the cage, sleeping on the wheel and staring at the door when its left open, not even trying to pretend he wants to escape.

chip did manage to escape once when arti was staying over, since we forgot to close the door.

we had given up all hope of finding him after rummaging about the entire house for an entire day, thinking he must have run out and filled the stomach of one of the many cats who lie in wait for such an opportunity.

so it came as a huge shock when in the middle of the night, he jumped onto arti's face (in my room, since we used to sleep on a mattress on the floor) causing her to nearly fling him across the room. (thank goodness she realised it was a hamster and not a furry lizard)

dale just slept.

oh well, he lived a full deprived of any female contact life, since most hamsters dont go beyond a yr and he lived for nearly 2 and a half.. i still feel that i could have spent more time with him, but then again, who's to say that the fact that we left them to live their happy peaceful lives is not the reason why they lived so long? ;)

now dale's all alone. wonder who's gonna keep us company with the squeaky wheel now. (:

rip chip, we love you!

- confusious say, man who do push ups in long grass is not really doing exercise.

cheers~

cold-

2008-10-24T00:18:00.003+08:00

like i said,

COLD COLD COLD!

and by that, i dont mean the weather. (:

OKAY blogskin changed, AGAIN. somehow the other one never quite felt like my own. must be the girls' pic on the page and the words. :S so not me. hahha.. and i dont know about having a colourful life, i just know that i like colours. hence the new skin (:

you know, this must have been my most enjoyable time having a cold. its just that having your body stuffed to the brim with pills is bound to have an effect somehow.. although i'm not saying thats the whole reason behind my uncharacteristic behaviour, just that maybe it contributed.. a wee bit. (:
i mean, typically seen, demonstrating dance steps in a place thats not quite big enough, trying to stretch when there isnt a need to, faking various accents and being.. overly enthusiastic about certain.. activities, isnt how i usually behave. :P
right md? ;)

but I had fun. (:

A LOT of fun :D

altho VERY sad to admit that cleaning makes me happy. ): I ACTUALLY LIKE CLEANING. gah. i ought to be shot. :D

and if i look outside right now, there are actually signs of there being a storm outside my window!! woohoo!! (and here i was thinking its the lyrics to a song. who knew it happens in reality! HA! can your blog name actually happen?! *sticks out tongue at you*)

ANYHOO, i'd better get back to marketing.. i happen to actually know how to do work, DESPITE what all you people think. (: (sort of anyway)

eat your veggies folks!

cheers~

temper, temper

2008-10-22T20:45:00.001+08:00

what i dont get is, what i did wrong.

coz apparently i didnt do anything wrong, and nobody's angry.

so why is there a cold silence i have to listen to?

you know what, fine. i didnt do anything wrong, and i dont deserve to feel this way.

watch me lengthen the silence.

confusion~

2008-10-21T19:05:00.002+08:00

this is very weird.

i'm being unreasonably snappish, feeling lethargic, and very.. weird.

and i dont quite know why.. i try and try to figure out why (LOOK! rhymes! hahaha..) but its just striking me as strange that i'm behaving this way.

hello, namz is so not moody. OKay, i am moody, but i'm not THAt moody. i understand the difference between being serious and being teased, but at this point i'm refusing to accept the difference.

something is so wrong with me.

satisfaction*

2008-10-03T21:05:00.004+08:00

its because we know so much that we realise we know so little.. its true when they say a little knowledge is a bad thing, because once you have a little you decide you dont know enough and start digging, only to end up digging so deep you forget what you were digging for.

so its often best to let the information get to you, to let you get a peek into a world that you've always wanted to see and yet has always remained elusive. till now. (:
i love you too

its often the simplest things that you want to say that remain unsaid. like how its the simplest emotion you embellish and adorn and complicate till it becomes something so fantastical it becomes hard to imagine. it gets surrounded by imagination and conditions till it no longer resembles something you want to feel and instead ends up as something put up on a pedestal so high you need to squint to see it in the glare of your devotion.

sometimes its just easier to let go and let live. isnt that what makes life so interesting?

cheers!~

lecture time (:

2008-09-08T11:13:00.001+08:00

i draw immense satisfaction from changing my blogskin for some reason.

haha..
and i'm in lecture so i should probably pay attention.
and i'm getting hung up over things that should not really matter.
so i'm gonna forget about it all and just be happy with what i have since at the end of it all thats really what matters.

Why is the measure of love...loss? -winterson

cheers!~

birthday

2008-09-02T19:38:00.003+08:00

1st Sept-
happy happy birthday! (:
hope you had fun babes, i know i did ;)
-hugs-

okay i know this is so dead. but i've got no time to do anything, AT ALL.
i'm getting obsessive, compulsive and annoyed with myself coz i seem to be turning into one of those people.. who i used to think need a life that doesnt revolve around just "A FEW" people. ):
i'm sorry, and i'm working on it. i am, i really am.

cheers!~

surprises.

2008-08-04T22:44:00.002+08:00

you know,

i pride myself on not being surprised easily, on being so well tuned with the people i know and care about that nothing, NOTHING they do can fool me too easily.

shows how wrong people can be. ;)

i think i can safely say, in the course of my whole life, with the exception of those my dad and all planned, i have gotten the BEST surprises in these few months. (:

my state of mind at that moment was SO amazingly confused i dont think i even was able to comprehend what was happening.

it was like a suspended state of being, and so completely shocking that i actually felt the whole detached feeling people describe in books, with my head going WTH?!?! and my mind refusing to believe what was happening.

all in all, AMAZING. hahaha..

seriously, i dont think anybody has given me a bigger surprise. ever.

i'm racking my brains to remember if i did get a bigger surprise, just sitting here.

and like i said, i'm getting old. so help me out here kay.

i NEED to know if i ever had bigger surprises. i mean my brithday was one too, but this one beats it hands down.

i need better descriptive words.

words come to me!!

haahha

okay i have to go.

i'm a speedbump okay. so watch what you're thinking ;)

maine na jaana, tu hi bataana..

cheers~!

dance

2008-07-26T13:33:00.000+08:00

dance.

I NEED DANCE. i'm falling sickk without it.

gah.
among other things.

cheers!~

cant smile without you!

2008-07-15T22:45:00.003+08:00

it just gets better n better everyday..

um and by that i mean the dance class. HAHA (right)

she hadnt thought it would be so amazing, with the movies and the flowers..
the gifts and the little gestures that made her melt inside.
the way he held her hand, the little ways in which he made an effort to be there for her..
his attempts at surprises,
the way he remembered the things that mattered,
the way he made a difference in her life.
and then she was just scared it would end..
in a way that she had never been before.

- haha no idea who its by :P kinda found the exerpt from somewhere.
alrighty need to sleep!

cheers!~

stickwitU

2008-07-14T22:18:00.003+08:00

stickwitU

I don't want to go another day

So I'm telling you exactly what is on my mind

Seems like everybody is breaking up

Throwing their love away

I know I got a good thing right here

That's why I say

(Hey)

Nobody's going to love me better

I'm going to stick with you

Forever

Nobody's going to take me higher

I'm going to stick with you

You know how to appreciate me

I'm going to stick with you

My baby

Nobody ever made me feel this way

I'm going to stick with you

I don't want to go another day

So I'm telling you exactly what is on my mind

See the way we ride

In our private lives

Ain't nobody getting in between

I want you to know that you're the only one for me

And I say

Nobody's going to take me higher

I'm going to stick with you

You know how to appreciate me

I'm going to stick with you

My baby

Nobody ever made me feel this way

I'm going to stick with you

And now

Ain't nothing else I can need

And now

I'm singing 'cause you're so, so into me

I got you

I know you and you know me

And that's all that counts

okay its a bit edited, coz i kinda just put in a couple of my favourite parts.. aka nearly the whole song :S

haha..

the other day, i was made to hold a lighted cig when i was in sentosa and inexplicably, that made a HUGe impact on me. no idea why.

scenario:

sentosa office, after work, everyone relaxing and getting ready to leave.

characters:

A- the new guy

J- the girl who's totally ma soul sista and who's been working there for a while

N- yours truely

E- girl from NUS.

haha okay here goes:

N- eh guys hurry i need to go to the other office

J- okay okay biatch, wait a sec can? (lights cig) -laughter-

A- ya okay i'm done(lights one too)

E- okokok ONE sec lemme just go close the pantry

A- oh *&@# i forgot my shoes! -to me- eh hold this

N- -blank look-

A- holllllld it

N- what?

A- ALAMAK just hold it!

N- -not sure what to do, hold out hand for cig- um..

A- -runs back into office-

J- -looks at expression on my face and starts laughing-

N- -looks at her, looks at cig-

E- WHAT?? NAMITA YOU SMOKE TOO??

J- -still lauging-

N- NO!! ITS his!! -points at A-

J- the look totally suits you la

N- ?!?!?!

E- wa thank goodness. i thought you smoked too

A- -comes out- thanks ah.- looks at my face- what?

J- -still laughing- she's never held a cigarette before la..

A- -incredulous look- serious ah?!

N- -nods dumbly- um ya

everyone- laughs.

fin

-end of scene-

bu seriously.. come to think of it, it would have been so easy for me to actually smoke it. it was RIGHT there, lighted up and -as people say in sentosa- good to go!

but i didnt

it totally, completely disgusted me to even have it in my hand. i scrubbed that hand later. and i dont know why. i mean i used to think i was alright with people smoking as long as they're not my really close friends or related to me or something, but the very presence of that cigarette so close to me made me cringe at the sight. it looked disjointed.. i mean my hand with the cigarette.. it was a whole alternate reality experience that lasted for a whole of 3 minutes.

it seriously exemplified the cliche of "its the choices we make that define who we are" - i mean the choice was infront of me, but i was completely repelled. even with the thought of why people make such a big deal of it entering made no difference. whew. who knew. haha..

- its the way in which i was holding back the door in my head. the others i fling open and slam shut with careless abandon but that one door remained elusive, almost ethereally unavailable.. although we all know its not made from poetic imagination, but plain old denial. it remains hard to open, closing it a much better option since it holds back a flurry of emotions, a tangled thread soaked in a flood threatening to burst out with every instance i approach the door. it opened today.. not completely, since the hinges are rusty with the disuse of six months. every word hard to pronounce, every image engraved as though in stone on the walls. painful, because of the painstaking details, but yet.. calming. almost.. comforting.
and all because of you.

-thank you.

cheers!~

kabhi kabhi

2008-07-10T19:36:00.004+08:00

jaane tu ya.. jaane na

ok, i think i hereby have had like, one of THE best birthdays ever, seriously.

because of you (:

i dont know how to start thanking people, so here's to all the advance wishers, the on-time wishers, and the belated wishers:

THANK YOU!!

everyone's wishes meant a lot, they just showed you guys cared, no matter when you wished me, no matter how you wished me.. because everything was just perfect. (: thanks to all of YOU!

hahaha..

hey you, thank you for coming (: just seeing you both there in the same place meant so much, i was nearly gonna tear up like a goon when i saw you walking up to us.

haha isha was damn funny. what happened in actuality was that, i was walking looking down at the ground admiring the way my slippers were sparkling

and isha goes "why're you looking down n walking? look up and walk"

so i was like, "huh?""

and i did as i was told, and infront of me were shubham, aku, vera, mabu, harmz and mita all walking towards me, all carrying presents and a cake!

i'd express what i felt at that moment, but its kinda close to impossible to put it into words.

so i'll stick to saying i was happy. really, really happy.

j'adore my friends. :D

it was perfect. almost everyone who means something to me was there (in terms of friends at least) even JX took the time out to come there. rach, i missed you.. just like i missed having rez, nisa and sharmi around. but thanks to everyone who could make it, and to JQ for telling everyone that it was my birthday haha..

okay now for the proper proper thanks.. if i miss out on anyone, please hit me when you see me.

to you, i love the scrapbook, its AMAZING, and MUCH nicer than anything i could have done (ok not really :P) hahaha.. but it is, honestly. i cant remember having something that was so heartfelt coming from you (i didnt know how to put it in any other way..) and you will not believe how much i appreciate it. i'm really, REALLY touched. so from the bottom of my heart, thank you. <3>

and to you, i dont even know how to thank you. for the planning, for the surprise, for the present and for your mere presence in my life, for tolerating everything i threw your way. you've made this a lasting memory and i owe it all to you that this birthday was made so special. i'm not too good at this, but you're amazing, and one of the MOST special people in my life. thank you too! (though you've told me to stop thanking you. but still. :P cant help it)

to my lit girls, you know how awesome you are, thank you for coming and for the very blue present.. life in ntu is much much more awesome having you ppl around, cant imagine not knowing you guys anymore. (aku, you're included in this)

to you, one of my dearest friends, thank you for everything. for helping with the planning and for helping me with everything. i'll stop here, coz you probably wont see this anyway. but you know how much you mean to me. (:

jx&rach, you're my darling bitches la (: what more can i say. thank you for taking the time out to actually come there after work, for just being part of my life and sharing your lives with me. (: i love you guys!

i am like, so happy.

though certain things made the last few mins almost unbearable, with the loss of a special person in our lives which led to opening of old wounds which have REFUSED to heal since i kinda refuse to acknowledge them.. overall i'd say this was one of the most eventful (recall:movie) and memorable birthdays ever.

I LOVE YOU ALL. and i mean that. truly. (:

presents!

cheers!~

personal

2008-07-08T20:46:00.002+08:00

personal

one day to go (:

and to you: cant thank you enough for just being there for me. (:

CANT WAIT FOR TOMORROWWW!!

who'm i kidding. sure i can. make it go away.

haha.. i just wish i had some idea whats gonna happen tmr.

and heres a thank you in advance to all of you who remember, i might not be able to remember thanking everyone later!

i'm very touched, thank you all.

ahahahhahha

cheerrsss!~

thoughts

2008-07-07T19:49:00.004+08:00

thoughts

so like, my birthday is in two days.. i was thinking of doing up that list i do every year,
the annoying one where i basically state blatantly and thick-skinnedly what i want for my birthday,

making life easier for everyone.

but the thing is, my list is pretty much empty. :S

i mean seriously, i made a list sorta thing to fill in, and i drew a complete blank.

cant think of any single thing i want/ need at the moment, i'm that contented in life right now.

the thing i really wanted was to highlight my hair,
and i already got that done, so hmm.. yeah nothing. nothing at all.

i have you, and you and you..-points-.. and you, you, you.. and you too.

so yep there as well i want nothing.

ok maybe something there, but thats in relation to two people and i cant make that happen as a birthday present. ):

haha.. anyway.. two more days to go.

and sentosa was funn!! and the people are bonkers.
which means they're fun to work with.

but highly professional all the same. (:

and they're pretty well versed in the culture of the hindis. :D i mean my IC had dhoom2 and crazy kiya re on her phone! which is awesome. haha.. and they made me dance. and i hereby declare working at sentosa tres magnifico

(:

cant wait for next sunday.. i get to man the ticketing counter, and despite occasional questions like "what time is the 7.40 show?" -_- and "what species of monkeys are there here at fort siloso?" its quite eventful, and rather fun. (: the tourists are mostly really nice, and they have great stuff to share.

Once in awhile,

Right in the middle of an ordinary life,

Love gives us a fairy tale

haha so random~

ok going now. (:

CHEERS~!
a fantasy, a fairytale, a fashionista

why?

2008-07-04T22:11:00.004+08:00

WHYWHYWHYWHY.

why.

guilt

trust

fear

anger

joy

sadness

confusion

annoyance

satisfaction

confusion-

w
h o o
i L p
r l

can anybody even feel so much in one head? haha.. thats whats in my head. plus i have no frigging idea what i'm doing. but heck.
my birthday approaches. first time in 19 years i'm not looking forward to it.
okay i am, in a way. i have so many more people to celebrate it with. i feel loved (:

but i'm not in another.
its hard to explain when denial clouds your thoughts.

dont wanna think anymore.
cant do this alone.

i'm glad i have you..

but i am happy its my birthday. i finally get to be 20! ( but i still say i'm 18. 18 TILL I DIE MAN)
haha..
yes i am happy.
kinda.

cheers!~

updates

2008-07-03T21:17:00.003+08:00

thats what it takes..

hello dying blog. (:

hello not-dying blog readers.

-silence-

hahahaha ok i guess i have like, a total of what.. 2 readers? lol

anyhoooo..

went for movie! made isha pose with harman :D

AND i highlighted my hair.

i say it looks tres pretty ok, despite PEOPLE trying to convince me it looks pink.

its supposed to be like a reddish brown.. :S

and plus i kinda looked like a christmas tree while getting it done. haha.. complete with tinsel and everything!

but the result i liked (:

and i died laughing when i saw this: look at the second item! :D:D (kinda inside joke-ish :S)

alrighty i will write more later.

(: sorta.

cheers!~

torn

emo - :)

2008-06-15T15:25:00.004+08:00

picture's worth a thousand words,

so i'll congratulate myself on my first thousand word entry

*pats self on back* (:

cheers~!

if this is the state now, hows it gna be in july?!

-sometimes

2008-06-14T15:08:00.003+08:00

i'm cranky.

VERY cranky.

everyone's bugging me to eat and i'm not hungry.

HELLO, how hard is it to understand when someone is NOT hungry.

GRR.

haha.. like i said, cranky.

and plus i cant even talk to the people back in india coz its like the msn there is screwed up.

and they dont believe in writing long emails.

and i'm so annoyed.

and i have no idea what to get my dad for fathers day

and i need a job

and i need you back here

and i have NO idea what courses i want

and i dont know what the heck is wrong with me today

and i hate the weather today

and i REFUSE to eat.

whew. thats a lot of ands. (:

You tell me you’re in love with me

like you can’t take your pretty eyes away from me

----------------------------------------------

It’s not that I don’t want to stay

But everytime you come too close I move away

I wanna believe in everything that you say

cause it sounds so good

But if you really want me, move slow

There’s things about me you just have to know.

I don’t wanna be so shy,

Everytime that I'm alone I wonder why

Hope that you will wait for me

You'll see that, you’re the only one for me

I wanna believe in everything that you say

Cause it sounds so good

But if you really want me, move slow

There’s things about me, you just have to know.

Sometimes I run (sometimes)

sometimes I hide

Sometimes I’m scared of you

But all I really want is to hold you tight

Treat you right, be with you day and night

Baby, all I need is time.

Just hang around and you’ll see

There’s nowhere I'd rather be

If you want me, trust in me..

the way that i.. trust in you.

- britney spears, "sometimes"

you know, she's rather underappreciated for her old songs.. thats one of my favourites (:

people, namita really needs a job. and you can tell how desperate she is by the way in which she's talking in third person. grr. JOB.

sometimes.

okay.

shall find it soon.

like in todays classifieds.

just as i finish dads greeting. :D

COME BACK YOU IDIOT.

~cheers!

love/ possession

2008-06-12T19:51:00.005+08:00

possession vs love

ok this is pertaining to NO one and nothing in particular, but its just a conversation nisa and I were having in the bus back from the airport..

what comes first, love or possession?

i mean seriously, not like the whole chicken and the egg thing.

and how do you know which one you're feeling?

like nisa said, how do you know which one you're feeling, IF any at all.

does the fact that you want the person to be with you all the time entail that you love him/her? or is it just that you want him/her to be near you because.. it makes you happy?

and how do you even know what you're feeling.

and how can you EVER be sure?

does wanting the person mean you're in love, or is the fact that you're in love make you want to be with the person?

haha.. we had a long talk on the topic (:

refreshing to hear different points of view for once =)

and like i said, this does NOT apply to anything or anyone..

just voicing out thoughts. (:

cheers!~

seriously.stOP looking!

ruju!

2008-06-10T15:04:00.000+08:00

hahaha.. isn't my kid adorable? ;)

cheers!~

9daysoftorutre.

grieviences

2008-06-09T19:10:00.002+08:00

unfair.

I need a job.

like a permanent one for the holidays

Tutoring sounds good..

but then my mom's not so pro the idea of me going to people's houses.

so now neither am i. but i'm still applying! does anyone have a job for me?

haha..

i'm feeling all listless now.. especially since everyone is like going back home! reeeezz come back ;) i need something to do.

everybody reading my blog offer me a job. QUICK.

i'm gonna pore over the classifieds.

i did a three day stint at the student care under my block, which was alright..

but not something i wanna do for the rest of the holidays.

honestly, the kids can be a handful, what with all their brawls and stubborn refusals to behave. they're good kids, but only if they dont have to do any work.

One on one tuition is more like it for me. (: thats something i think i could actually do coz there the kid HAS to listen.

or i just wanna be a phone person. thats the best.

"hello, welcome to ___ may i help you?"

lol.

cheers~

i'm trying to forget that, i'm addicted to you..

birthday =)

2008-06-07T00:39:00.002+08:00

happy birthday baby =)

i
♥
u
(:

cheers!

cantgetenoughofyou :S

? been tagged-

2008-06-06T11:26:00.003+08:00

1] What's your favorite anime at the present time?

hmm.. is it counted if i just like the way that ONE anime is? without actually watching? haha.. i'd say winx club. and if thats not anime, then nothing. :P

2] Given the chance, what special ability/power would you like to have?

hmm.. can't decide between flying or invisibility (:

3] How do you think about yourself?

haha.. i dont think you wanna know (:

4] Where is the place that you want to go the most?

haha.. hawaii! - maui specifically. and like.. switzerland. the best beach and the prettiest cold place (:

5] If you can have 1 dream to come true, what would it be?

if i tell you, i'd have to kill you. :P

6] Do you have a crush now?
hahahha.. mita i love your answer to this one. does hrithik count?

7] What are you afraid to lose the most now?

thats a no brainer isnt it? (:

8] If you win $1 million, what would you do?

whoa. i'll tell you when i do win it k? :D

9] If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?

hahha.. no, its the sorry fact that thats one thing cancerians cant do ):

10] List out 3 good points of the person who tagged you.

GOOD points??? really?? aiya. *shakes head* um.. hmm... she's.. um.. good. really. ;) sigh. she's virtuous, decisive and responsible. :P (i'll tell you the rest in person if you're nice to me ;))

11] Which type of person do you hate the most?

type of person? there are types?? omg what type am i??

12] What is your ambition?

no idea. (:

13] If you have fault, would you rather the people around you point out to you or would you rather they keep quiet?

point it out la.

14] What do you think is the most important in your life?

my family. and friends. - basically the people i care about. which includes you ;)

15] Are you a shopaholic or not?

very much when i'm upset. and a lil when i'm not. haha!

16] What is the thing that you really want now?

a job. :P and for all the flights going to india to be cancelled till further notice. ;)

17] Why does it hurt when you punch someone?

um i'm no scientist but i'd say physical impact? haha..

18] Is there anything that you have done which you regret?

haha yep.

19] Are you hungry right now?

yepp!

20] Do you think that this survey is totally useless?

yes. be grateful mita.

tagged folks:

rach, lydia, johnny =D

i miss you!

cheers~

(: i So dont condone torture :P

resurrection

2008-06-05T18:53:00.000+08:00

resurrection-

heyy darlings thanks for worrying, but the only reason my blog was missing was coz i was under the mistaken (i hope) impression that it was looking all screwy. apparently only my preview was screwed.

i solemnly swear to update for this time forth.

right after i finish watching tv :P

cheers~

dontgo

testing

2008-06-05T18:24:00.001+08:00

1, 2, 3