yes i know i say that a lot.

because i AM TIRED.

and you wont know, you will never know because its not the "aww poor you, thats okay take some rest" kind of tired. its the "arrrgggggghhhhhhhhhh KILL ME NOW PLEASE" kind of tired. i'm tired, frustrated, and i cant stop crying. and its not just because i have so much work to do that its weighing me down, its everything else combined.

i cant stand being ungrateful and thats all i ever feel, i would love to do nice things for the people i love and i feel guilty as hell if someone does something nice and i give the wrong reaction of behave stupidly. i'm upset not just because i cant be everything i wanna be, but because its getting to be too much and its scary to feel like this.

do you have any idea what i'm going through?
and on top of that i keep waiting for you to hurt me again. now i'm wondering how different you are from them.

oh god please kill me no matter where you send me for exchange.

good enough.
i'm not good enough.
not for you, you, you, you or you.

well screw you all.
if i'm not good enough then too bad for having expectations.

i hate you.
i wish we had never met.

i wish i had never been born.

i'm so tired.

please god, please let me go to canada and preferrably die there before i have to come back here to all the expectations and persuations and difficulties.
please.

seriously. screw you all.

I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure.
I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle.
But if you can’t handle me at my worst,
then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.

— Marilyn Monroe

I figure my friends are right. They envy the stability that i seem to have in life but at the end of it i'm not too sure that IS what i have.

I'm not saying i dont have it. i'm saying i'm not stable within myself to believe in it. How do i know what i have is going to last? how do i know what i believe in will stay that way? How do i know that what i have is really what i want?

Its all this thats driving me over the edge. all this and the fact that i'm officially beyond the point where i could take it all in and spit out the parts which i dont want to remember. Its like this, once you push me there, i know you can do it again. and the thing is that i blame myself. for not being adequate, for being too little, for wanting too much. but now i blame you, for doing the one thing i never thought you would. for feeding the insecurity which has hindered me all my life.

i'm appreciating this time that you're giving me, mainly because you dont have a choice, but i'm also realising that i'm okay with being alone. I dont have to face expectations, i dont have to worry everytime i do something, i dont have to think of things which will go wrong. i know i wouldnt like to be alone forever, but i do know that i'm okay with even that. i cant break the heart which i dont own, cant do something to the person i dont need to answer to.

but then again i miss you. and i think of you at each and every turn in the day.

when will i make my decision? when will i figure out what i want? is it too soon to figure out what i want in life, or should i have done that a long time ago?

These are the questions i cant seem to find the answers to.

but thank you. i want this time and i'm glad you're actually giving it to me. it means much more than you can imagine.

-xoxo.

i got my modules!! WOOHOO!! ((:

i dont know what i want anymore. i know, i know, whats new right? but i really really dont.

i know i want to do well in life, i know i want to go on an exchange programme to a whole new country, i know i want stability and love, but the little things in life which people really do know about i dont have a clue.

i dont know what will make me happy, i dont know how i want you to act, i dont know if i even want this in life. at all. i need guidance, i need freedom, i need help.

problem is, i dont know where to get it. ):

cheers_

We usually carry him like a baby, coz thats the way he likes it best.


frigging cute, all wrapped up in my blanket (:

WHY WHY WHY WONT BLOGGER LET ME PUT PICTURES!

tags: shilin, i might see you on wed or thurs depending on when your dance is, mdm khamiliah might ask me to come back and help out since i'm professionally a dancer (:
wei jeng: yup! i'm moving to palm gardens (:
eugene: OMG ur damn bhb right :P no lor i so dont want to see you so annoying hahahaha :P

I slept at 330 last night, and woke up at 830 today! -pats self on back-
Okay i didnt intend to wake up, i was just reaching out for my phone, but when my mom opened the door she was so happy i was up before 12 i decided to stay up sighhhs.

i bet i'm gonna fall over asleep very soon since its 12 already.

plus the house is in such a mess, bags and boxes everywhere. I guess i have to get used to the fact that i'm REALLLYYY MOVING ARGGGG!

I WANT BODY SHOP MOISTURIZER AND TONER. but must wait till next pay siiighhhss. or, I could ask/bug/threaten someone to buy it for me -evil smile-

I was just thinking the other day, whats the point of life if i'm just going to hate and hold grudges and feel annoyed at every little thing that happens? my blog says let go and let live. But i'm not doing that. i'm not doing what I believe in, i'm indulging in the very things i hate. and its driving me up a wall. i'm driving everyone away from me, and procastinating on change. I keep getting pissed off with someone and later i'm thinking, WTH what is the point of this! ): (and then i get all sad) but why? i mean why am i wasting my time getting that pissed off when i can just... not be pissed off? I can laugh it off, not think of it and go on to things that matter more like being more committed in my family. but i do no such thing. maybe i should, starting from august. (YES i know i said i wont procastinate) but i want a new beginning. and whats better than a new month right? okay for this week i'll start with: no more cabs. =D i will be a bus and train person all the way WOOHOO!
no more wasting MONEYS!

or so i hope GAHS. still havent paid my bill. grr.

okay i was gna put a pic but blogger wont let me and i'm a bit bored so i'm gonna go and pack more stuff.

cheers~!

awesome!
Blogger has tried to fix the problem.
but its still slightly screwy so i wont really rejoice as of yet.

THANKS AH PEOPLE for spamming me so much (: and i read some of your blogs, it feels nice to be appreciated. and yes jx, you totally have to smell my shampoo its awesome. i got the whole set but its three different things and an australian salon brand so i feel damn expensive whenever i use it WOOHOO! the shampoo has champagne, the conditioner has berries and the leave on solution is like aloe vera, green tea and lime. quite cool. plus my hair feels a lot softer (SHIOK CAN!!) so no complaints!! :D but its like 20 bucks la so i dont think i can use it forever unless i get tuitions :S

which i am searching for like, REALLY hard. haha..

I'm busy packing today, its like packing 10 years of life in this house just to move to another, MUCH smaller one in palm gardens, sigh. but i guess its good, i mean swimming pool, air con, and a place for my doggy (: We just had people come and view the place. i'm feeling territorial now, I hate the fact that we have to give them stuff that belongs to us. but oh well if we're getting new ones then i suppose its alright. :S
but i cant decide.


I agreed to move for now, since technically the house is still ours, but i cant decide if I'm happy with having people living here and using OUR stuff. omg i'm so selfish.
but its understandable right, i mean it is our house and it has been for the past decade. and since i'm just 21, its like half my life has been spent here. haaaiiizzz.. -shakes head forlornly-

-cheers!~

Okay so my blogger is still screwed. Stupid box thingy, i'm starting to wonder if maybe, just MAYBE its my laptop's functionality which needs to be adjusted. NAhh but the kids at school said they were experiencing the same kind of problems so it cant be just me. :D

Speaking of school, I suppose i am being spied on by a couple of you right now :S so stop it and go away! haha..
But seriously, this school experience has been so fun. It was the only job that I have done in the past four years which I actually looked forward to in the mornings.
I guess I owe a lot of that too the supervisors and my class of 1/8 :D- YES you guys, dont be so bhb about it okay. You seriously made my day by listening to all my stupid stories and co-operating, (to an extent la obviously you guys arent total angels :P) and you seriously have made me consider teaching as a proper profession. It was lovely stepping into class everyday, you're an awesome bunch of kids.
I just want to tell you all that not only are you all awesome, but you're super lucky to have a teacher like mrs chee. (and no, mrs chee, i'm not saying this just to do well in your confidential form :P:P )
She has done a lot for you guys over the past year, and i know you might not believe it right now, but she really really does care about you (: A LOT. its amazing how much she cares, i didnt even know it was possible to care like that for a bunch of kids in school (:
And just remember, if you EVER need anything, feel free to tag me here or on facebook. if you need extra help with english, i take tuitions, and if your parents would like the extra help i'll be willing to give a unity discount ;)

okay here ends my post to you guys, as much as i wanted to really get to know you all better, it really cant happen anymore unless you all ask me out or something but nevermind, we had our time and if any of you dont like me as a teacher, DONT TELL ME :D

i shall be happy thinking i was liked anyway :P

- okay normal post.
It was heartening to see all the goodbyes in school. Most of the teachers gave each other something and i got a whole bunch of chocolates WOOHOO- pimples, here i come. :D
Very surprising. i must say out of everyone there, i'm obv gna miss carol, mrs chee and mrs chan the most.
and the kids, duh.

But on to newer and much more awesome stuff with my beloved NTU starting again soon. I miss the corridors, the rooms, the spine, the lectures, the EVERYTHING! (omg i'm such a nerd)
but i do, and i'm so happy its gonna be restarting soon.

and i changed my shampoo. my hair is now washed with a super awesome expensive shampoo that has frigging champagne extracts :S i just hope i dont see alcoholics nearby, having people sucking on your hair would really dampen the mood, no? hahaha
YUCK i just imagined that.

okay gtg out later must decide awesome clothes instead of my aunty-wear to school

cheers!~

AND HELLO STOP SPamMING me can. hahaha i just saw!

Okay so my blogger is totally screwed. Either that or its my laptop. I'm going to hope its the blogger. haha..

I was just thinking the other day, its so SO unfair that somebody else gets something you THINK you want when he or she totally doesnt deserve it. I mean be it through an influence of someone related to her, or maybe through sheer luck.

I have to admit, i'm jealous. VERY jealous. its not just because she's less talented. AND SHE IS. because it has been proven. and its not because she's prettier. anybody is with the right makeup, havent you SEEN the emails?

its because i know i'm better. and secretly because i know i'm not doing enough to prove it myself. CRAP.

If i think about it hard enough i know that probably might not be what i want. That she might have everything but i might have much more. That she might have all the things i'm probably thankful for not having.

BUT who thinks that hard these days anyway?? haha i shall be content with being vengeful and deceitful and say i'm jealous of her and that she is horrible for having everything.

secretly though i doubt what she has means anything. i sure would like to try having it anyway :P

cheers!

I just realised how depressing my previous posts are.
and i dont even know if i wanna be a teacher anymore. though it might be fun. BUT i'm so frigging scared i'll be boring i dunno if i can risk it. I mean all i wanna do is be like those teachers I had who were so damn awesome..

waitttt a sec. i didnt have such teachers.

oh wait there was ms zhu, mr guru and ms williams.. anddddd ms lim i suppose?

okay so i want to be like those sitcom teachers you love. but seriously, how interesting can you make verbs and adjectives? i mean hello, i was dying while preparing for lesson no idea how mrs chee does it.

shes awesome as far as sups go (: i really like the fact that she cares for the kids a lot. I mean when i asked her the first time, her immediate reaction was, "i love them". DESPITE the problems she's having she just wants them to be good kids. which they are, even the suckiest ones. Even when she wants them to behave, its because they're going against the rules. omg i totally rmb tanker and wilbur in secondary school they were SO BAD we hated them. but now if i look back they were reaaaalllyy okay. I look back fondly and i HATED secondary school. OMG i'm old. arghhh.. i really like the class i'm teaching.

though seriously, i think they might think i'm boring -gasps- I KNOW, right? namz and boringgg?? haha but yes i think i am. i dont wanna keep order, i want them to let their hair down and have fun as long as they listen to meeeee. grr.
but i guess as long as the supervisors stay in the class i shouldnt risk too much.
and i'd much rather want them to learn the subject rather than like me anyway.

BUT I REFUSE TO BE BORING.

hello, since when am i boring. -denial-

i'm obsessing with being boring.

I AM NOT.

okay maybe a little. but thats coz grammar sucks. big time. even i didnt know all the crap theyre learning.

ah whatever. last class tmr i thinkk.. :S

cheers.

incomplete.
dissatisfied.
distracted.
restless.

You know how it is when everyone around you seems to be moving at a pace you cant seem to match? when suddenly all the decisions you make seem like life or death situations? when everything suddenly feels so crappy even though you're trying your hardest to make sure everything goes as normally and smoothly as possible? when suddenly you lose interest in everything around you and just feel like lying in your bed all day?

Well I do.

and it sucks.

on a happier note, school is cool. haha..
cheers.

i give up.

but if i snap its your fault and at that point i will NOT think of you.

happy birthday to me in a day. i've never been so anti-birthday, EVER.

maybe, i can carve out your name on my heart and everything will be okay.

or maybe i could jump off the cliff and pretend i can fly like i do in my dreams.

all i know is, i no longer feel the same.
not anymore.
and you're not helping.
you never have.

hate that i love you.

i've been told to listen with my heart.
but i dont know what i want, i dont know how i want it.. all i know is.. NOT NOW.


not now.

it hurts knowing how you feel, it hurts knowing you dont think i do.

i dont know why i even said yes, now all i do is hurt you more.
and now i'm hurting too but i wont tell you. i wont i wont. i'll listen to you and give you my support but i wont tell you how much i'm hurting because i dont deserve your concern.

and i dont know how long this can go on..
i'm at my wits end, i want nothing more but peace. i want the pain to go away.

i dont want anything for my birthday. i really really dont. i just want to sleep the day away and wake up to know that i'm a year older, a day older, anything. i want to bury my toes in the sand and allow the sea breeze to suck me into the depths of mercy where everything else stops from mattering, where all i need to worry about is when i hand in my next assignment. i really really am tired of this, tired of it all. i dont want to be responsible, i refuse to think i am, but then again if you think really hard i know i must be.

i miss having self esteem. there was a time when being insulted by anybody would have caused me to slap them so hard they forget why they were there in the first place. now its like all i can do is seethe from the inside and yet believe that maybe somehow i deserve this. then i begin to ask myself no matter how much i deserve this, would i be able to ever face myself and forget it? would i ever be able to face you and forget this? maybe.. but maybe not.

I dont know what to do anymore, i dont know how long i'll be able to do this anymore. Right now, my family life is more important than anything in the world to me, and i'm scared i might be ruining that for good. nothing, NOTHING is more important than that. Not even you.
but then again i dont know. i'm losing my mind and i just.. dont know.

i want to die.
preferably now.

i dont let my emotions cloud my responsibilities no matter who they come from.

if i get upset and cant finish my work ITS MY FAULT. not anybody elses for not doing it.

save me.
please.


loving someone isnt supposed to be this hard.

guiltguiltguiltguiltguilt.

i want to slit my throat and pour the guilt into a drain and watch it swirl in the gutter where it belongs. drain each bit and squeeze it out so that it doesnt return and fester and fester and fester.

but it wont go.
it stays inside.

and i love you
so much.
it hurts hurts hurts.

cheers.

cheers.